Sunday, November 30, 2008

A weird spot.

Sometimes I'm afraid I jump the gun too much. I saved my last post, it's on my computer, but I'm not comfortable with posting it. Not right now. I don't think I was able to say what I meant to - or that I truly knew what I was trying to say. It's funny because, in writing that post, I started out with writing "I don't know what to say, and I've learned to never force a post." By the time I'd finished, I had said something but I hadn't written it very well.

I hope everyone had a good Sunday. It was actually a nice one here. I wish school didn't start again tomorrow, but it has to if we want Christmas break to come :)

I'm a little lacking for topics the last few days, so I fear I might be running a dry well here. I have a lot on my mind concerning the Church and my involvement in it, what it all means, and I've other things to attend to this week. It's always a goal of mine to post once a day, but sometimes that isn't very realistic. Like I said, I don't want to force any entries and the last few days I've felt empty. I don't want to find a topic to get angry about or upset over if I'm not already there. I also don't want to not write about something just because it's happy or praises something.

This blog isn't intended to bash the Church. It's meant as a venue for me to ask questions and explore their answers and pull my hair out at stupid things like scrapbooking and other crap like that. It's a venting venue, too. Sometimes I worry I spend too much time worrying about such things. I do have a lot to say, but to find topics when they're not there doesn't do anyone any justice at all.

It's been balm to my soul to have other, like-minded people come here and talk with me. It's been amazing to have those who may disagree with me, but still find me interesting enough to stick around with. It's humbling and has helped me greatly. Thank you.

I'm afraid I can't be as honest with you all just yet as I'd like to be. I'm just not there. Sometimes I'm afraid to admit to myself what I think. I've some crazy ideas. I've expressed a few of the milder ones here and thankfully have found I'm not alone. Part of me wants to run with that, see how far I can go and still not be alone, but what if I find that line and cross it? I know I can always find like-minded company, but that doesn't mean it's good or right. I just know isolation sucks and it's good to know you're not alone. I can go to church and pretend, but it only goes so far. You can be surrounded and still alone.

It has surprised me how difficult it is to "be real." Much as I want to be and the little I have been, it's difficult to just let go. I guess I'm not ready for it yet. Maybe I'm just being lame and rebellious - let's face it, the most rebellious I've ever really been was when I joined the Church.

But to attribute my dissenting thoughts and opinions, both that I've already written about and those that are budding now to "rebellion" is dangerous. Perhaps my thoughts are valid and true. Perhaps they're not.

I won't lie and say I'm not a prideful being. I always have been. This blog doesn't help deflate that balloon much. I've been spoiled in more ways than one, and not necessarily in the traditional "have what you want" sense.

I'm not sure how to be wrong. That's not to say I haven't been wrong in the past - Lord knows I have been, but I don't like to write something unless I'm at least 75% confident in it. Sometimes I forget that. This blog has helped me develop a bit of a thicker skin, and for that I'm grateful.

I'm always open to being wrong. I guess I don't know how to explain this. I think it's more the chastisement I've never liked. I've received it, but I've always worked so hard to always be "good" that I'm not exactly used to it. I care entirely too much about what people think. I do like expressing dissenting opinions, I've always found it interesting to go against the norm and challenge traditional thought, but it's never bitten me back before. This could.

I don't know how to disappoint people and where I am right now I'm afraid I'm bound to disappoint someone. Probably a few someones. I've far too much respect for people on both sides to disappoint anyone. Right now I need to respect myself more. It's very scary, though.

To question the Church puts me in a very weird spot. I know the Church would chastise me for it in some ways (I know they would if I left). I know a lot of people I've spoken with online (both here and on other sites) might wag their finger at me for ignoring issues that perhaps shouldn't be ignored.

I'm in a very weird spot.


Lula O said...

Excellent quote from Elder Richards. A simple truth. There IS room for everyone. We aren't supposed to be homogeneous, and indeed they were quite a mixed bunch of rice chex in the beginning, but somehow over time, the church membership has evolved into this, thing. A one size fits all mentality, and if you don't subscribe to those particular ideologies - as they should be, instead of how they really are - then you're branded an outsider, a nonconformist. Especially regarding politics. A good discussion might be why that is. Maybe you've already done that.

Wasn't the original church a group of 'outsiders'? I've always been the type to question everything, it's why I love science. Did not Joseph Smith question everything? Is it any wonder people were so attracted to his new and fresh ideas. Refreshment for the starving.
And so they still remain, nourishment for the tired and weary soul. Our religion is different, yet the same as it was back then. The basic truth of it remains. The meat and potatoes of the meal of life have not changed. Just the side dishes, like green jello (Oh will it PLEASE change to another color!) But we don't have to eat those, in fact, we can make our own.

While standing so close to the edge all the time can be draining,(This I know), it's what reminds us that we are alive and kicking. Our brains are engaged and working, we do not blindly follow. We investigate, we pursue. We can have opinions. Like Emma Smith; did she just sit back and do nothing? No, she let her voice be heard. In the prophets ear in fact.

And so shall we. Don't feel bad about it.

Even that perfect little family that sits on the front row every week has problems. Nothing is EVER as it appears.

Laura said...

Lisa -
I actually did read your first post before you snagged it. I didn't think it was nearly as controversial as you thought it was, but I understand your reluctance to open up yourself so freely to people you barely know. =)

I don't know all the points of doctrine with which you are struggling, although since I've been following your blog, I can guess a few.

In my opinion, asking questions is a good thing. After all,the church is only here because a boy doubted and asked a question.

But I'm convinced that if you seek out faults, you will inevitably find them, and if you focus on the good part, you'll find that as well.

I think it's important to not get too bogged down by all the negative stuff, ya know? I don't know why blacks couldn't hold the preisthood or why the church practiced polygamy, but not knowing the reasoning behind those things does not change the way I feel when I read the BOM. It doesn't change the way I feel when I'm in the temple. It just means, I don't understand it all now, and that's ok. We don't have to undersrtand it all.

nyn said...

All I can say is - me too. I want so much to share what I really think and feel and am afraid of , jumping the gun, being judged to harshly, or maybe just coming across as out of my mind. Once again can I say, thank you for having the courage to express your thoughts, there are many of us out here that share them.

Anonymous said...

Lisa, this post sounds like it came straight from my brain!!! I've been dealing with these exact IS a weird spot to be in.

I am a thinker. I wouldn't go so far as to label myself an Intellectual, but I like to think about things. I question everything. Maybe that's why I've always struggled with my faith. I can't just settle down with not knowing the WHYS...I find I want to know more, and I crave to question.

And that there, I suppose, is where I get myself into trouble. I don't have it in me to be likeminded and conform with the traditional LDS thinking. It's not that I WANT to rebel, and it's not even rebellion I'm looking for. I just want to be ME. I want to NOT be afraid to ask questions, to be able to voice my thoughts and feelings that will most likely go against what others feel is "comfortable".

I truly feel that Heavenly Father knows where my heart is. I DO feel that he knows of my struggles. It is a very draining place to be and not very comfortable. I think that is why I like your blog. When I came across it, I was actively looking for support and companionship of likeminded LDS...those who aren't mainstream Mormons!

Lula O said...

Hey girlie, if you quit posting it's going to be a serious downer. We are sooo outnumbered. Hello?? Come back to Kansas Dorothy..

Lisa said...

I'm here (sorry). Had a big doctor appointment for my kid today - day long ordeal. I'll probably post tomorrow.

Thanks :)