A weird spot.

Sometimes I'm afraid I jump the gun too much. I saved my last post, it's on my computer, but I'm not comfortable with posting it. Not right now. I don't think I was able to say what I meant to - or that I truly knew what I was trying to say. It's funny because, in writing that post, I started out with writing "I don't know what to say, and I've learned to never force a post." By the time I'd finished, I had said something but I hadn't written it very well.

I hope everyone had a good Sunday. It was actually a nice one here. I wish school didn't start again tomorrow, but it has to if we want Christmas break to come :)

I'm a little lacking for topics the last few days, so I fear I might be running a dry well here. I have a lot on my mind concerning the Church and my involvement in it, what it all means, and I've other things to attend to this week. It's always a goal of mine to post once a day, but sometimes that isn't very realistic. Like I said, I don't want to force any entries and the last few days I've felt empty. I don't want to find a topic to get angry about or upset over if I'm not already there. I also don't want to not write about something just because it's happy or praises something.

This blog isn't intended to bash the Church. It's meant as a venue for me to ask questions and explore their answers and pull my hair out at stupid things like scrapbooking and other crap like that. It's a venting venue, too. Sometimes I worry I spend too much time worrying about such things. I do have a lot to say, but to find topics when they're not there doesn't do anyone any justice at all.

It's been balm to my soul to have other, like-minded people come here and talk with me. It's been amazing to have those who may disagree with me, but still find me interesting enough to stick around with. It's humbling and has helped me greatly. Thank you.

I'm afraid I can't be as honest with you all just yet as I'd like to be. I'm just not there. Sometimes I'm afraid to admit to myself what I think. I've some crazy ideas. I've expressed a few of the milder ones here and thankfully have found I'm not alone. Part of me wants to run with that, see how far I can go and still not be alone, but what if I find that line and cross it? I know I can always find like-minded company, but that doesn't mean it's good or right. I just know isolation sucks and it's good to know you're not alone. I can go to church and pretend, but it only goes so far. You can be surrounded and still alone.

It has surprised me how difficult it is to "be real." Much as I want to be and the little I have been, it's difficult to just let go. I guess I'm not ready for it yet. Maybe I'm just being lame and rebellious - let's face it, the most rebellious I've ever really been was when I joined the Church.

But to attribute my dissenting thoughts and opinions, both that I've already written about and those that are budding now to "rebellion" is dangerous. Perhaps my thoughts are valid and true. Perhaps they're not.

I won't lie and say I'm not a prideful being. I always have been. This blog doesn't help deflate that balloon much. I've been spoiled in more ways than one, and not necessarily in the traditional "have what you want" sense.

I'm not sure how to be wrong. That's not to say I haven't been wrong in the past - Lord knows I have been, but I don't like to write something unless I'm at least 75% confident in it. Sometimes I forget that. This blog has helped me develop a bit of a thicker skin, and for that I'm grateful.

I'm always open to being wrong. I guess I don't know how to explain this. I think it's more the chastisement I've never liked. I've received it, but I've always worked so hard to always be "good" that I'm not exactly used to it. I care entirely too much about what people think. I do like expressing dissenting opinions, I've always found it interesting to go against the norm and challenge traditional thought, but it's never bitten me back before. This could.

I don't know how to disappoint people and where I am right now I'm afraid I'm bound to disappoint someone. Probably a few someones. I've far too much respect for people on both sides to disappoint anyone. Right now I need to respect myself more. It's very scary, though.

To question the Church puts me in a very weird spot. I know the Church would chastise me for it in some ways (I know they would if I left). I know a lot of people I've spoken with online (both here and on other sites) might wag their finger at me for ignoring issues that perhaps shouldn't be ignored.

I'm in a very weird spot.