I didn't want to be the rule.

When I first started this blog, I had all of these same doubts, questions, and the knowledge that I might not be able to hack it.

I didn't want to admit that, though.

When I first began discussing lefty topics with fellow LDS on Facebook, I did so to feel a sense of community. The good people there gave me strength. I thought maybe I could do this, that who I am doesn't have to contradict the Church, that maybe I was wrong concerning everything and could be a middle-roader without sacrifice.

Numerous faithful, liberal members of the Church fight valiantly against sweeping generalizations that one cannot be a liberal Mormon and yet a good Mormon. Some succeed better than others. It's a hard fight to be made in a Church which seems to pride itself on being rooted in "family values," in being "pro-life" etc. and can't see past their ideological noses. Funny, really, because the Church is technically pro-choice and is based on as many liberal ideals as conservative. But whatever. Nobody wants to see that.

When I first began this blog, a girl from my stake came by to discover I support Obama, I am Pro-Choice, and I thought Prop 8 was a load of crap. She said something to the effect of "Except Obama, everything you just said goes against the Church!" These are basic stances many liberal members have and must contend with, along with a very real questioning of our faith and worthiness. This is the reason many choose to remain in the closet. I daresay this is why so many of us became so aggressive when it came to Prop 8. In our own way, we know what it's like to be shoved into a closet.

Over time, though, I weakened. My doubts raised to a piercing scream I couldn't ignore anymore. Knowing that my bishop could find this blog and call me in for expressing my opinion and discipline really rubbed my fur the wrong way. It's happened to too many others. Good members everywhere have walked into their bishop's offices where they were asked to shut down their blog. One commenter at The Faithful Dissident's recent post says his bishop told him he wouldn't sign his temple recommend based on his blog. He shut it down. Call me prideful, but there's something seriously wrong with that. I don't think I could shut mine down. Not in good conscience.

Freedom of expression, shut down. There's a reason so many abhor censorship - it brings to mind far too many things I'd learned in school, so much history we'd rather never happened. We live in America where we are supposed to be free to express our own beliefs. Without America, we would have no Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I should be able to say I respectfully disagree and why without fear of rebuke. I should be able to discuss why I think marrying gay couples won't be the end of society as we know it and encourage people to reconsider their vote.

But, one might say, if you don't believe, why are you here?

This is my eternal soul, that's why. For so long I fought against the cultural crap - I could sweat the culture. I could rally against and scream about it all I wanted. There are some things about LDS culture I really love but most of it just sucks. But this is my church, I've been grafted to it. This deals with my eternal soul. I believed in enough for it to matter.

I didn't want to be this stereotypical liberal Mormon girl on the precipice of apostasy. I wanted to be an activist of sorts, change minds. I've never wanted to be an activist for anything until this past year. I wanted to be an example, so the first time I expressed serious doubt with the Church. I thought great, so much for being an example. But I couldn't keep pretending. That wasn't fair.

The Faithful Dissident says that without the courageous gay community who fought for so long to have others know their orientation is not a choice, that without courageous Mother's Who Don't Know fighting against the June Cleaver or Die mold, that without activist members this church never would have changed. And despite what many orthodox members will insist to the contrary, this Church does change.

I wanted to be part of that so much. I'm a martyr. I would be more than willing to fight except I don't really believe this anymore, not enough of it at least. I could still attend (and do) without being "worthy" of the temple, but...I would be willing to pay tithing if I could and if I believed in what I was investing my money in. It's not really a matter of faith. I would be willing to avoid coffee, tea, and alcohol if...well, as stupid as it is to make a point to drink this stuff, it's just as stupid to make a point not to drink it. I could give it up, though. Much as the garment top bugs the absolute shit out of me, I would wear it. These things matter about as much as they don't in the eternal scheme of things, and instead of worrying about the piddly crap, I'd rather spend my time focusing on other things that will make me a better person because I've so far to go. So that's what I'm doing.

This is the church that most closely mirrors my lifelong beliefs. BUT! sometimes the best form of protest is the one we make with our feet. I have a difficult time believing God would place me on the same shelf as the man who couldn't give up everything he had and follow Christ because I have an occasional cup of coffee - and no, I was never addicted to the stuff (though I freely admit addiction to soda).

My bishop knows I'm having a crisis of faith. At least that's what I told him. The truth is I've been having a crisis of faith for four years now; my husband for the last eight - I didn't even know about his doubts until I expressed my own. The truth is I'm at my end. I requested release from my calling as a Relief Society teacher because I couldn't stand up there and do what I could to show these girls that the norm isn't always the best way, that there are good people outside the church, that the culture doesn't always jive with the doctrine. I couldn't stand the material, of people trying to sound biblical instead of like regular members of the human race who are trying just as hard as I am.

They are no better than me and I am no better than them.

I never wanted to be the rule. I wanted to be the exception, but sometimes it's not worth the fight, not worth the mental abuse one has to go through. I've a family. I worry about enough things. I guilt trip myself, I don't need any help.

There are good, liberal Mormons out there who do believe and have testimonies. I just don't know what I have to add anymore but more of the same, more validation to the idiots' belief that "Liberal Mormons aren't Good Mormons." They do exist, and they're amazing people with very valid views and concerns. I hope more members accept them and give their ideas a moment of their time. I wasn't always like this. I used to be a Limbaugh girl - it was because I listened to other views that I began to change my mind. Not everyone will, but acceptance is all we ask for. We need each other, after all - apostate or not.

I'm very, very proud today. Welcome, President Obama!

Thanks to the Dallas Morning News, here is the transcript of President Obama's Inauguration speech this morning.

Once you're done reading, please visit Renew America - USA Service. This is a fantastic site where we can all find something to do for our community and our country - for our fellow (wo)man

Today is a happy day!

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I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true.

They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

- President Barack Hussein Obama, January 20, 2009.

A Plate of Cookies

Lately I've wondered much about the Church's humanitarian efforts.

It's true, we're there when the hurricanes hit, the tsunamis flood, and the earthquakes roar; it's true we have a fast offering fund for those in need (though it bothers me some that we're quicker to help fellow ward members than those outside the church). If there's any question as to the Church's humanitarian efforts, all one must do is visit the Church's newsroom. We like to talk about it.

But what about locally? In all the time I've been in the Church, local community efforts are wanting. I do want to recognize my old Institute for adopting a highway (but how does that work? do the people who adopt do the work or merely pay for someone to do the work?), and my last ward did make blankets for pre-term babies. It does happen and now that I'm forced to think about it, I'm grateful and slightly humbled.

But do we try to reach beyond our walls more than we stay within? And while it's a nice thought to make cookies for the local firemen, does that really help? It's nice, but does it help?

I suppose another question could be, does it matter?

Perhaps I'm projecting (oh I'll admit it, I am), but I wonder how much easier it is to make cookies than it is for us to get to know people we're uncomfortable around.

We'd rather make cookies than hang out with our coarse neighbor while he smokes and has a beer. I know some members who would rather hang out with this guy than their EQ president, and I have to say I admire them. I have found that showing our neighbor that he is more important than his vices will impact him more than cookies ever will, I don't care how good they are. And these are oft the most interesting people.

Sometimes I think we need to dismount our high horse, our rameumptum, even. I'm tired of telling others that we're fighting against them because we love them. That doesn't work. First we must show love - really show it, to the specific people - and then they will be more apt to love us. That doesn't mean there will ever be an agreement, but compassion can change even our Church (gasp at the suggestion, I know). I fear we're not nearly as compassionate as we like to think.

And yes, I'm talking about the gay community but this could really be for anyone. Would an actively gay couple feel comfortable in our wards? Do you ever see any? I haven't (that said, I live in a conservative community and rarely see gay couples). They don't feel welcome, and if this is about Christ than it should be about Christ first and sexuality last. Christ first, cigarette breath last.

We have a president now (er, tomorrow!) whose entire campaign was based on change and doing something. It's not just up to him or other people. This was a grassroots campaign and so it must remain. No matter who you voted for or how much you can't stand that President-Elect Obama won, we have to start serving each other.

President Hinckley once said that all converts need three things: A friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with the good word of God. I propose that everyone, regardless of who they are or where they are need these three things...and not to get them to become converts, either.

I hate how we perform service in the hopes that those will see our light and come running to the baptismal font. Service should not be a means to an end.

Forgive me if I've said this before, but I was told once that we should only pray for that which we're willing to do ourselves. "Heavenly Father, please feed those in need" = We should donate some food to a local shelter, give something to the guy on the corner. "Please bless that those who are sick will get better" = stopping by with some chicken soup and to do a load of dishes (or whatever they need). Going by the store to grab some meds, etc.

But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves...Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. (James 1:22, 26)

I'm going to refrain from interpreting that last bit.

Just because we're Latter-day Saints doesn't mean jack. Just because someone else may be Buddhist or holy-roller Protestant, Catholic or Atheist doesn't and shouldn't mean jack. In the end we're all children of God - and if you don't subscribe to that, in the end we're all human and we're all doing the very best we know how. That's all that matters. Blankets don't. Cookies don't. Real interest in each other matters because sincerity breeds hope, and hope is everything.

I want to start putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak, and help out my community. I've been complaining loads about it, which means I should probably do something. I'm going to start looking for opportunity. This is not an aspect of life I'm comfortable with or fluent in, so it will take some effort, but I feel I must try.

Let's do something for our local communities. If anyone knows a good way to discover how to do this, please leave a comment. There's always something we can do, but often we don't know how. We trust in our local Relief Society to come up with something, but other organizations and churches perform good works and I'm sure we'd be invited to help.

And if it would make us feel better, we can always bring cookies to the event.

What's that golden rule thing again?

I can't believe this was deleted. Sorry to my commenters - I have no idea what happened.
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Anyone heard? Barack Hussein Obama won’t drop his middle name - GOOD. Nobody else has over the past two years, why the hell should he?

But that’s not his reasoning. His rationalizations are that we need to get over our prejudices and realize that “Muslim” does not equal “terrorist.” We need to send a message to the rest of the world that we’re not all idiots, that there is change in this country, that George Bush and his administration is no longer in town. Not really.

What’s disheartening is that there are so many out there who will grumble and grouse about this, the same people who made such a point to use his middle name during the campaign season will flinch at this move….well, maybe not this move but the point in which it’s being made.

The fact that it’s even an issue says something. While the prejudices against the Muslim community are probably somewhat more mild than before - at least in my experience - it is here. It always brought to mind what happened with Pearl Harbor and the Japanese internment camps.

Equating a man with an untimely middle name with “terrorist” is horrifying commentary on American culture. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Let’s get over ourselves, focus less on the Muslim (and even Arab) communities at large and deal with the extremists. Arabs and Muslims are not all extremists. Let’s first understand that. It would then do us some good to try to understand the extremist mindset.

My husband took a few classes on genocide and terrorism over the last few years. He spoke with me about it at length (I also typed up his papers), and the real point to be made is this: Extremists are not so much insane as they have a really, really, different view on the world. We see them as insane, and by our standards they absolutely are. Too many people do not want to see these extremists as human, though. You start humanizing people and - gasp - you start feeling a smidgen of compassion. Psssh, stupid liberals.

But we cannot change nor defend ourselves against that which we do not understand. It feels better to call them terrorists and dehumanize them because that is exactly what they’ve done to us. A little research into our own little domestic terrorists, be they the Una bomber or even kidnappers, murders and rapists will tell us that the best defense against those who would hurt us is to make them see us as human.

It’s actually one of the more important aspects of rape defense. You start talking about your family, whose waiting for you at home, what your favorite color is, etc. You fight like hell to get that person to see you as human because at that moment they do not and it is much easier to hurt that which you do not empathize with. It’s also a way they train our military - they dehumanize the enemy. They did it in WWII and in Vietnam. You’d be surprised to hear how many of our soldiers do not have the courage to pull the trigger. The military gets their soldiers over that by dehumanizing those they target.

I fear most in power get this bit of wisdom but don’t want to understand. They want to hurt, and so do we. We want revenge. We want to torture. I get that. I feel it. But it’s childish. It isn’t right - and what’s that Christ says about loving our enemies? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be okay with how we’ve acted. Treat others the way we’d want to be treated. Compassion might seem like more tree hugger philosophy, but it works. As a Christian people, shouldn’t compassion trump carnal desires? Seriously. I wonder about some of my more conservative counterparts when it comes to this stuff. Is it just mere convenience to forget about those the thousand stripling warriors were defending? those who loved their enemies so much they laid down their weapons and resigned to death instead (See Alma 24:17)? We’re always admiring them in Sunday School. I’m not suggesting this is what we should do - we should absolutely defend ourselves, but the fact that we speak of these people in reverent tones and then forget about it once church is over tickles me to death. Is it that we really think that compassion is only for the dude who cut us off in traffic the other day…? I don’t know.

For real homeland defense, we need to get over our prejudices and start understanding our enemies. We need an ounce of compassion or we cannot expect to get any in return. There are books abound written about this. The most recent being promoted is Michael Alexander’s “How To Break a Terrorist: The U.S. Interrogators Who Used Brains, Not Brutality, to Take Down the Deadliest Man in Iraq “

If you want a transcript/story of a recent interview with the author, go here - even Fox News’ Sean Hannity can't seem to get around this guy. It's fabulous.

I’m thrilled Obama takes pride in his name and wants to make a point. Good for him. I’m so proud to have voted for this man. He’s already changing things for the better, and the timing couldn’t have been better. People are ready. I am.



This post has also been submitted to Mormon Democrats where I am a contributing blogger.