On Being Perfect...but Not Really

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. – Matthew 5:48

So how many Latter-day Saints hate this scripture? (*gasp* did she say hate?) Anyone?

Is anybody willing to admit that despite numerous pats on the back, the admonition here still stings? Be perfect – like Heavenly Father.

These words spoken by the Savior come after the first bit of the Sermon on the Mount, and our leaders like to tell us “nonono. It’s totally unrealistic to attain perfection in this life. Christ must mean to strive for perfection.”

To which we all breathe a heavy sigh of relief and go about our day. Until we screw up. Or think we're not good enough because Brother X always does his home teaching.

So how do we “strive for perfection?” My leaders have taught me that it’s important to focus on what is realistic. We can be perfect in not swearing (oops), in our Sabbath keeping (or at least our church attendance), we can be perfect in our observation of the Word of Wisdom, our visiting and home teaching, etc.

But what if we struggle here, too? I suppose that’s where the “strive” comes from – but we’re talking about a realistic expectation to be perfect in these things. And this idea that we can be perfect in some things makes us feel good that we can be perfect in these things.

But can we?

What if we’re perfect in our visiting teaching as far as numbers go. I distinctly remember an Ensign article some years ago which praised a sister for never missing a month of her visiting teaching in a substantial period of time. This is obviously meant to motivate the rest of the membership to reach such a goal, but beyond numbers…would that make us perfect, or just the illusion of perfect?

What if we didn’t care about those we visited? We just wanted our numbers. What if that woman didn’t necessarily visit each of her sisters, but just made sure to call them or send them a letter. Let’s face it: us girls get by really easily when it comes to this. We can say “we tried to contact” and it’ll go down in our favor.

But even for the home teachers: what if a guy visits his homes every month but he doesn’t necessarily care?

Does that make him perfect in his home teaching?

As for swearing, while I understand why we shouldn't make a practice of it, I thought it mattered what was in the heart. And besides, I went for a long time under a fairly strict swearing moratorium (with the exception of the Mormon friendly “crap”) but I happen to think the cheesy substitutes are just as bad as the words themselves. The intention was just as bad. Is my friend who says "fetch" more perfect than anyone else who uses the real word?

Well…

As for the Word of Wisdom, I know I’ve gone here a few times over the past month or so, but seriously. This is such a sketchy issue: letter or spirit, and if spirit where is the line? Depends on who you are and who you talk with.

The Sabbath. This one is also sketchy. Some consider strictness the only safe route to go. I already touched on this a little yesterday regarding the Superbowl, but what if you’re “perfect” in keeping the Sabbath but ignore your family? What if you keep the Sabbath so holy in deed but in your heart you can’t help but pity those poor, heathen folks who are taking their boats to the lake?

And what if you screw up? There’s always repentance, yes, but this goal of perfection really seems to make us miss that mark, to miss the grace that is in repentance.

I submit that perfection is more about what’s in the heart than what the eyes, mouth, legs, and arms do.

A quick review of Matthew 5:

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God. (v. 3)
2. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. (4)
3. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. (5)
4. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. (6)
5. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. (7)
6. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. (8)
7. Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God. (9)

8. Verse 16 does speak about works. I shall ignore this one, too. There is virtue in being an example, but only for the others until they get to know you to know if your heart is pure. Being an example is not directly beneficial for the exemplar.

9. This one is interesting. Verse 20: For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. Look up Pharisee in your Topical Guide. Look at my quote to the right. Pharisees don’t care about the heart, they care about the image.

10. Verse 21-22 deals with the unrighteousness that is anger, but more the source of the anger.

11. Verse 28 deals with adultery not just being in the act, but in the premeditation, in just the looking upon another in lust.

12. Verse 38-44 deals with loving those who revile us, to love our enemy, to pray for others, that this is how we will be children of God. I love verse 46: For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not the publicans even the same?

How many of us do that? Only show love and charity to fellow Saints? How many are there who fear hanging out with apostates and raucous non-members (or *any* non-member for that matter) or liberal members of the church for fear that their heretical example and light will be contagious?

How many of us only love those who love us? I’m just as guilty.

As I understand it, we are to strive to change our hearts to this perfection. I think, though, we put too much emphasis on the “perfection” part and not in the refinement process that will perhaps one day get us there.

Let me say this though, perfection seems boring to me. I like learning, I like knowing that when I mess up I can get up and be better. I can always be better. There’s something lively and hopeful about that, and I don’t necessarily want to ever lose the chance at progression. Charity is something I’ll never perfect, but it’s something I think I’m willing to chase.

I don’t care about perfection in the minutia of life anymore. I don’t want to place that burden on my children that they should always do what will make them perfect or temple worthy. Ouch, I know, but Christ cares more about the heart so that’s what I want to care more about. I don’t, not nearly enough as I’m reminded all the time.

There is little connection between works and the heart. I can be of service to people all day long and never ever become truly charitable. It is true that service can help us become more compassionate and I do intend to help my kids learn the real benefits of service (besides outside blessings). The thing I want to focus on more than swearing and strict obedience according to wavering rules (they do change over time) is the one thing that never changes: motivation and the heart of people. I’m finding more and more that learning and getting to know about where we live, who we are and who others are only helps us develop a more Christ-like attitude.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying, but I want to brush the guilt from my shoulders and try to be a better person rather than just look and sound like one. That feels much better, and much more approachable and real too.

And he called the multitude, and said unto them, Hear, and understand: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man, but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man...And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without understanding? Do not ye yet understand that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies. These are the things which defile a man...

- Matthew 15:10-11; 16-20

Yeah. It’s the stuff that makes up what is in our heart that Christ is concerned with. We like to attribute this to why we shouldn't curse, but that would say that cursing makes us unworthy. That's certainly an argument, but Christ doesn't seem to be talking about cursing. He's talking about something deeper than the words that spill from our mouth. He doesn't care how pious we are or what our VT/HT numbers are. Quality, not quantity. While he does care about our obedience, he talks an awful lot more about charity – and that of the heart.

Piercings, Beards, and other Pharisaical “Encouragements”

Yes, the damn piercings. Again. I know. I’ve been simmering for a good rant, and I’ll warn you right now: it’s a rant. Offense may happen. Unpleasant language. I could get rid of it, but at the moment I really don't want to. Some may also find it negative - I do. I also criticise a leader.

Consider yourselves forewarned and please keep the comments thereof private. Again: This is a rant. Thanks.

I have to get this out. I’ve had more than one person suggest this isn’t so much doctrine as it is encouragement if not expectation of our leaders. But this is, as I’ll show in a minute, not just some off the cuff remark because back in the day girls just didn’t wear more than one earring (and certainly no where but the ear) and boys – well, that’s just…weird.

To the uninformed,

Sister Bednar and I are acquainted with a returned missionary who had dated a special young woman for a period of time. He cared for her very much, and he was desirous of making his relationship with her more serious. He was considering and hoping for engagement and marriage. This relationship was developing during the time that President Hinckley counseled the Relief Society sisters and young women of the Church to wear only one earring in each ear.

The young man waited patiently over a period of time for the young woman to remove her extra earrings, but she did not take them out. This was a valuable piece of information for this young man, and he felt unsettled about her nonresponsiveness to a prophet’s pleading. For this and other reasons, he ultimately stopped dating the young woman, because he was looking for an eternal companion who had the courage to promptly and quietly obey the counsel of the prophet in all things and at all times. The young man was quick to observe that the young woman was not quick to observe.

- Elder David A. Bednar, Quick to Observe, December 2006 Ensign.

To anyone who does not consider themselves Molly or Peter (or to the non-member), this is ridiculous. To a newly zealous member or reinvigorated member, this is wise counsel. This is a faith-promoting story. Do the piercings matter? Noooo. But following the prophet at all times does.

*hits head on desk*

Sorry, but if these ears could hold piercings without infection and I had three or four, I’d keep them. It would be of no disrespect to President Hinckley, but I hardly believe God cares if I have two earrings in one ear. For that matter, I used to want to pierce my eyebrow. If that was still something I wanted, such a story would propel me to get the piercing. This kind of petty stuff serves only to encourage rebelliousness and guilt to those who feel the way I do. "Geez, would I take mine out? What would Elder Bednar think?"

Because it's not about the piercing, is it?

I presume that some of you might have difficulty with my last example. You may believe the young man was too judgmental or that basing an eternally important decision, even in part, upon such a supposedly minor issue is silly or fanatical. Perhaps you are bothered because the example focuses upon a young woman who failed to respond to prophetic counsel instead of upon a young man. I simply invite you to consider and ponder the power of being quick to observe and what was actually observed in the case I just described. The issue was not earrings! (continued from article cited above)

Yes, I believe the young man was too judgmental and I would indeed add fanatical. I might even call Elder Bednar slightly fanatical for bringing it up along with other stories he speaks of in the same talk. We are worrying about the stupidest things. It’s an earring!

If I were that young woman’s friend, I would quickly tell her how lucky she is that her guy showed his true colors before they married. Can you imagine? What if she took a few extra steps on a Sunday? Okay, okay. Hyperbole. But how's this: What if she…now sit down…had an energy drink? *gasp*

I at least hoped this guy talked to the girl beforehand. Oy vey. “Sorry honey, it’s me or the earring.”

Now before anyone throws a fit, I get it. I really, really do and I really, really resent the implied guilt trip pointed at anyone who is doing everything they can – reading the scriptures, attending meetings, honest, chaste, true, benevolent, etc, etc -- and yet has an extra earring. Nothing, nothing is mentioned about this girl's character. Just her unwillingness to take out an earring.

Are we really this nitpicky? What really matters here?

I think the thing that bothers me most about this is that Elder Bednar spoke about it, and not just in the Ensign. This was originally spoken of at a BYU Devotional. Many consider the Ensign to be Scripture when an authority is the author. These little anecdotes only feed the Molly and Peter fires that take the general membership away from the message of CHRIST. For heaven’s sake, can’t we puh-lease talk about Christ instead of these stupid earrings or even the Prophet?

It is because of talks like these that young men and women (and grown men and women) are judged not on their character or heart but on a fucking earring. As an apostle, I would hope Elder Bednar would rather speak of how we can become more charitable. I would rather he spoke about Christ.

Earrings.

And don’t even get me started on beards. Someone suggested this is a BYU thing – well, not exactly. It’s not necessarily church wide, but I can't seem to remember ever seeing a General Authority sporting a good beard, at least not in the last thirty to forty years. In my stake, any male being extended a leadership call (boy scouts, YM, EQ, etc) are asked “How attached are you to that beard?”

My SIL, a very active faithful member, bristles when she tells this story. Nobody asked her, she says. It’s part in jest, but she likes her husband’s beard. Her husband, a laid back guy, doesn’t care. Out comes the razor. Heaven forbid a boy see his leader with a goatee, especially if he's aware - what does it say? What will others think?

I have a good idea of what he'll think: he'll grow up thinking anyone who has a beard is somehow unworthy.

I get that the outside should reflect the inside and we often assume it does – and most times we’re *wrong*. Lest I’m misunderstood, though, I get that it’s important to be clean. I get the importance in dressing nicely when we’re representing the Church (because we understand that when we represent the Church, we are effectively representing Christ. At least that’s how it’s been explained to me). It all makes sense, but if the beard is clean and the earrings aren’t ridiculous than who cares.

Moving on. Deep breath.

Tattoos. Many of our members sport a good tattoo (I'd like to know more who do!). I am curious to know if we have any members - men and women - who have tat sleeves. Are they called to leadership positions? Oh sure as long as it’s covered, but again: women. Would we ever have a Relief Society president who sported a couple tats on her arm (inked before her conversion), tats impossible to cover up? Would we insist on long sleeves each Sunday regardless of weather?

I’m not being facetious; this is for real. We are not to be robots. We’re not to be stepford children of God, there to emit the impression of perfection. We have this weird preoccupation of striving for perfection in a futile journey to be just like Christ in this life. If we were supposed to look the same, it would probably have showed up in scripture somewhere.

And this, I think, is where some of the “avoid the appearance of evil” crap comes from.

Enough with perfection! Should we go nuts? No! But allow a person some self-expression. Allow a person a tattoo if it helps them remember something that is important to them (watch Miami or LAInk if you don’t know what I’m talking about. TLC). Allow a person an earring for heaven’s sake without having to question their loyalty to…who again? The prophet?

I’m sorry, but I think our focus is a little skewed. We talk about the churchchurchchurch. We are to give all we can to the effing church, not to Him whom this Church is supposed to represent.

If you look hard enough, Christ is in all of us. Piercings, beards, tats and all.

It's stuff like this that makes me wonder why I have any hair left at all.

Swearing Kids

A few days ago my husband told me our son overheard "fuck" on the television and repeated it.

Happens, right? I asked him how he handled it, and with a smile he said "Just told him we don't say that." I know he smiled to my son as part of his reaction. I love this man, and am so glad we've both - well, I've - loosened up.

A new thought entered my mind as my ever-curious daughter responded to what was intended to be a quiet remark between her parents. "What did he say?"

"Not a nice word," I answered.

"What word was it?"

For the first time, I considered telling her and glanced at my husband. He shrugged. The public setting gave me pause, however. "Don't worry about it."

If I had this to do over again, I'd offer to talk about it at home. Chances are she'd probably forget about it, but I would want her to know I'm willing to talk.

My daughter's question was perfectly acceptable. The next time she asks me I'm going to tell her and then we'll talk about it. Do I need to give her the definition of "fuck"? No, she's not ready for that - and besides, there are so many. Other words would prove easier. Some, like damn, I wouldn't really be able to give her a good reason other than some find offense with it.

As we're counseled to with sex and the parts of our bodies, I think we should be frank with our children regarding the vocabulary they will hear in school, and if not in school, than when they visit with friends or, in the case of my son, while channel flipping. It will happen no matter our attempts to keep them from it. In time I imagine I'll give her the definition of the sketchier words, but I'd rather do it than have her friends tell her.

Gasping and freaking out will not help. Being blunt with them will. This may mean we will need to say the word.

I know my kids will go through a phase where they will curse like little sailors and think they're cool. Fine. I want to teach my kids, help them understand things. Children who know tend to lay off the immaturity of childhood a bit more than others. I also believe in the importance of explaining things to our kids. I've found they're more apt to do what is right when they understand better.

Some may say "I'm afraid that by being frank I'll come across as flippant, and if they think I don't care then they won't care either, and they should." That's not it, though. We can express our distaste for certain words, but we must be able to discuss matters with our children. Dismissing them, ignoring them, or tip-toeing around them won't work.

I refuse to condescend to my kids. I respect them; I respect them as growing human beings who long for knowledge, who are part of this world and who will be exposed to this world; I respect them because I want them to respect me and others around them. I've so far to go, but this has always been forefront in my mind. Explaining the more colorful, itchy, and perhaps inappropriate things of this world is a responsibility of mine and my husband.

Children rebel (it's healthy) but they really rebel when their parents and other authority figures make such a big deal out of everything. I also believe the same thing happens when we make every disasteful word illicit, such as "jerk" or "fart." In picking our battles the war will be easier to win.

And frankly, I think we should be more honest and up front with each other about these words. Petting them with the "f-bomb" serves little purpose. Just say them. I believe, and maybe this is just me, that the sin is in the intent of the word, not necessarily in the word itself.

Mormon Curse Words

How many LDS do you know say "crap!" all the time? How about "frick" "fudge" "fetch"? "Oh my heck" fits in here as well.

What about "damn" or "hell"?

Ahh, I didn't think so. Mutter a "damn" or "hell" and your company's eyes will shoot to you with chastising gleams.

Before I joined the church I cursed like a sailor; after I joined I refused to even say "crap" and wondered why even the staunchest of my friends found it okay to say it. It was interesting and probably my first insight into the fact that even LDS pick and choose. It is the extent of our willingness to rebel and be edgy - and that just tickles me to no end. Mormon rebellion. But back to the topic. There are still those times when you want to curse, but can't so we make up stuff that sounds like it.

And that is when the "fetch" comes out or the very...odd "ohmyheck." I didn't even know OMH existed until my trip to Salt Lake City in October 2002. I saw a billboard with a rather crisp mug of beer - perhaps something a bit more controversial, I don't remember - and beside it were the words "If you just said 'Oh my heck' this isn't for you."

Oh my heck?

Ah, my first foray into Utah Mormon Culture.

My husband's best friend's favorite Mormon curse word is Fetch - and I'm sorry, but it sounds almost as bad as "fuck." "Shoot" said with the right intonation can sound almost as guilty as "shit" too. My mom, a very proud non-member, once got on my sixth-grade self for saying "fudge" because it sounded awful, a little too close to what she knew I was trying to get away with.

Then there's the instance with my four year old son a few months ago. He was outside and, out of nowhere, exclaimed "Holy crap!"

I love telling this story for the reactions. Like you people don't say the same stuff. Anyway, I got up and went to see what the deal was. A fat, ugly, totally unnecessary spider was just hanging on a single web strand from the gutter.

Definitely a "holy crap!" moment. Everyone so far has agreed. At least to my face, haha.

I don't know. After about a year after joining, I got over my "crap" moratorium. I'd mostly instituted it because I knew how I worked, I knew that cursing became as much of a part of my vocabulary as the words "the" and "oh" - you know, pretty common. I could control myself around my grandma, and I had enough respect to not drop the f-bomb around my mom and dad - but around friends? Pretty common. Knowing this, and knowing since the age of nine that I pick up on other people pretty easily, I decided to be extra strict, even to replacing "ass" with "donkey" when reading the scriptures. If I'm around someone or speak with someone with a thick accent for fifteen minutes, I'll pick up the accent. If I read an author with a strong style, I'll pick up on their style. If I'm around someone who curses like it's nothing, then I will too. It just comes out. I've learned it's how I work, and I have to take care. We all have our things; that happens to be one of mine.

My propensity ten years ago to litter my conversation with swear words isn't quite like you might hear among some youth today, but it was bad enough - so much so that an LDS friend of mine from high school mentioned the lack thereof at my baptism.

I understand it's absolutely not a way to speak - it doesn't make you sound intelligent, that's for sure. They're pretty coarse words, especially when you consider the history behind some of them...but I'll admit to saying a few every now and again. I do think they have their place. They can be cathartic. They've power - the kind depends on the situation, but words absolutely have power. And sometimes, honestly, it's the only way to get something across.

So I curse. I have to really watch myself to keep it under reigns, but I believe there can be a time and a place. I mostly gave up because, let's face it: may as well, right? Of course I could decide to not at all, but I've decided to fight other battles for the time being. Right now this helps keep me sane, if that makes sense.

And really, "fetch" sounds ridiculous. "Crap" just makes me laugh anymore because of how many LDS say it like it's not a big deal (but no damn or hell). Stop beating around the bush. Don't be a disrespectful idiot, but if it's what you really mean and the situation allows, then why? Why "fudge" and "darn it"? So you can appear clean? Why all these Mormon curse words - the very phrase infers that they're intended to substitute for curse words.

Now, you won't hear me cursing at church, in front of my kids (except for crap), or in front of friends whom I know it would offend: but it happens. Consciously, I'll admit.

Before anyone asks why I don't curse in front of my kids, let me assure you it's not so much because I don't want them cursing. It's more because they're very young and as such their maturity wouldn't allow them to understand the meaning and implications of their words. There are better ways for them to establish a vocabulary in such formative years. I could explain, yes, but I'm saving it for later. They'll run across it in school soon enough. I had friends in the fourth grade dropping the f-bomb. I imagine that begins much sooner now.

I have a fourteen year old sister who, on her myspace page, curses worse than I ever used to. It shocked me at first, but I soon realized: she's fourteen, she's "being cool" and doesn't realize just how lame and immature she sounds. I thought about bringing it up to my dad and her mom, but they look at her page. They know.

It's a part of growing up. I want to be frank with my kids and explain that there is a time and a place for everything. My sister will grow out of it (hopefully) and reign herself in as she matures. Everyone goes through this stuff. To harp on her for this beyond a talk or two will only make things worse. I know because I used to be that kid. I say let her get it out of her system and learn along the way as long as she has set boundaries enough to not speak like that everywhere.

I'm not trying to condone cursing; I'm attempting to get a discussion going. How many of you will admit to cursing and how many don't, and why? Do you ever wonder about the same things? Do you ever roll your eyes and groan inwardly at it all? I just figure the more realistic about things we are, be it about sex, swearing, or anything else - the better chance we'll have teaching others and being an example. I understand the lack of swearing in our culture makes the instances outside our social network quite jarring. We're sensitive to it, and that's okay, but I'm afraid the extra sensitivity makes us less approachable than we want to be.

Is "crap" really not a swear word? Am I really much worse than those who scream "FETCH!"? I get that "oh my heck" is much better than the alternative - but it makes no sense. That's what gets me - and the fact that everyone knows what it's the alternative for.

In the end, it's all in the attitude, isn't it?