Standards for Celestial Dating, 1-6

What I'm about to type is an abridgement, perhaps the beginning of a series, regarding a pamphlet my husband was given back in his teens, probably sometime after turning sixteen. I don't know. But it was produced and handed out by our then Stake Presidency. So this is circa 1995-1999.

It says we cannot control ourselves sexually. And I understand that once things get going, wants become needs. I understand that control becomes an issue. I've a stepsister with three kids from three different daddies. I've known some teen pregnancies. I remember how unbelievably attracted I was to my husband while we were dating (still am, don't get snarky :). I get it.

But come on.

President Kimball and those who worship his words and works are very much focused on sex, sex by itself and sex as a sin.

They say these things understanding that our sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are. Like porn, it becomes so saturated in our church media that we wonder if its not attracting us. I wonder if aggressive campaigns of this nature are in part self-fulfilling prophecies.

I mean, if french kissing is suggestive of "the sex act" doesn't that make your inner antennae perk up a bit? Sounds good, right? I hadn't even thought of that until I read this, after all.

Personally, I'd rather be spoken to as an adult--not just the spiritual reasons for abstaining from such things, but the secular reasons as well. Appeal to me as an intelligent person and then leave me to govern myself. I like to think most people are pretty intelligent and will act accordingly if treated as such.

But that's just me.

What you're about to read (and there's more) makes me think: my God, with all that can go wrong--why bother at all? My own thoughts are in blue.


1. NO DATING UNTIL AGE 16; NO SINGLE DATING UNTIL 18. "...President Kimball went on to counsel us that beginning the dating process too soon almost always brings on young immature marriages or immorality and sin."

Funny. I think all the sexual repression does this. This also assumes there are no immature marriages if a person follows the Church's prescribed formula. I can say from personal experience this is patently untrue: a young couple will marry ASAP because they've been told to and they want to have sex. Many marriages still surivive, but this doesn't mean marrying quickly is always the answer. They also become parents before they are truly ready regarding finances and maturity levels. Do they survive despite? Sure. But this isn't always the right answer.

"Remember, NO STEADY dating until after missions. It is an excellent idea to always double or group date until at least the age of 18."

Anyone else finding some inconsistency there? What of that year between 18-19? I mean, if a young boy is readying to go on his mission, wouldn't Satan be extra vigilant in getting that young man to give into sexual desires? Or wouldn't Satan, as he did in the Garden, tempt young Eve to get Adam to do something that would keep him from his mission?

Be on your haunches, young men!

2. MISSIONS BEFORE SERIOUS DATING. I know plenty of couples who have ignored this bit of counsel. They're the ones who get married two weeks after he returns home.

3. DO NOT DATE NON-MEMBERS OR UNWORTHY MEMBERS. "I do not believe that the Lord would expect the choice young people of His church to find their eternal mates among non-members! He would not ask us to go against both His counsel throughout the ages or against the counsel of His prophets. President Kimball told us "Clearly, right marriage begins with right dating...therefore, this warning comes with great emphasis. DO NOT take the chance of dating non-members, or members who are untrained and faithless." Now, do not rationalize by saying that you are doing missionary work. The Lord does not instruct us to do missionary work one-on-one with members of the opposite sex"

well, hell, I had an fresh RM teaching me about the gospel before i dared speak with the missionaries. i had a huge crush on him too.

4. DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN "KISSING-HUGGING" SESSIONS. (making out, or necking, as it is sometimes called). I am not talking about the serious sin of "petting" but the lengthy make-out sessions that many feel are "okay" as long as you do not let it get too far. President Kimball taught us, "Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, pregnancy, and abortions -, all ugly sins - but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils..." Necking or making out, the kissing-hugging sessions, is wrong IN AND OF ITSELF, not just because it may lead to something worse. I'm not saying there isn't a proper time in a dating relationship to kiss. There IS a proper time and place. President Kimball advised us, '"Kissing would be saved at last until these later hallowed courtship days when they could be free from sex and have holy meaning--'

i can only assume "these later hallowed courtship days" means after one returns from a mission and is "steady dating"

"--In an address delivered to returned missionaries (not high school age people), President Kimball say '"A kiss is an evidence of affection. A kiss is an evidence of love, not an evidence of lust--but it can be. Don't ever let a kiss in your courship [sic] spell lust. Necking and petting are lustful; they are NOT love...I don't mind your kissing each other after you have had several dates; but not the "Hollywood kiss," not the kiss of passion, but the kiss of affection and there won't be any trouble.'

(it gets better)

5. "NO FRENCH KISSING. This type of conduct is far too intimate and is suggestive of the sex act itself. A French kiss does not meet the standards President Kimball described above. President Kimball stated that '...The "soul kiss" is an abomination and stirs passions to the eventual loss of virtue. Even if timely courtship justifies the kiss, it should be a clean, sexless one, like the kiss between mother and son, or father and daughter.--"

(the bolded part is one of my favorite LDS quotes of all time)

"--In Isaiah we read: 'But draw near hither, ye sons of the sorceress, the seed of the adulterer and the whore. Against whom do ye sport yourselves? against whom make ye a wide mouth, and draw out the tongue? are ye not children of transgression, a seed of falsehood?" (QUOTES from Spencer W. Kimball, Chastity: Isaiah 57:3-4)

What?

6. DO NOT PARK. Especially in the high school years, parking in an automobile has been the downfall of many choice young people. President Kimball told us that, "In interviewing repenting young folks, as well as some older ones, I am frequently told that the couple met their defeat in the dark, late hours, in secluded areas...the car was most often the confessed seat of the difficulty. It became their brothel." BEWARE! Often I have found that a couple originally parked to discuss a problem or work out an argument--not to make out. However, after the problem was resolved, they kissed to make up and things developed from there. It does not matter the reason: DO NOT PARK. After a date, GO HOME! Once you are there, go into the house, ALONE!

And just in case I'm accused of blanket hyperbole again, here is number 17:

17. DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO THESE RULES. Don't say to yourself, "Boy, do I know so-and-so who needs these rules." The rules are for you! To think that it could never happen to you is an error. It CAN happen to you. You are not so in control that you can afford to say to yourself, "oh, I would NEVER do that, therefore, I can go into an apartment alone with my date, or park, or whatever." This is an open invitation to Satan to prove you wrong! And, he will! The biggest error of all is to think that you are an exception to one of these rules.

And yet, somehow, my husband and I made it.

Visiting Teaching: Overshooting the Mark?

I'm going to take a break from normality for a spell. It's fun and affirming, but it's also exhausting. This is chilled by far compared to the last post, but I hope you'll find it worthy of discussion.

First, a little background:

My initial exposure with the Church was through my Institute. It's a small building: one classroom, one game room, a small kitchen, an office, bathroom, and library. It didn't need to be much - it was for the local community college. I loved it there - I gained many friends and *gasp* somewhat of a social life. The Institute Director, Bro S., became somewhat a father figure to me. We didn't agree on much, but I loved him despite some zealous insanity.

Much of what I knew and much of my perceptions about the Church began with Bro. S. While most reject (some of) his dogma, many of his conservative views are largely held in my stake.

One of Bro. S' lessons led him to speak about visiting and home teaching. At this point, I worked with a good friend of mine, Sister J. She was awesome - she didn't worry about what anyone thought; she just did what she felt was right. Though I don't agree with her now, I really did love her confidence. She was genuine in all she did.

Anyway, Sister J. was very by-the-book. We would meet beforehand and have a prayer before we arrived at the house. She dressed up in her Sunday best and so did I. We talked about the lesson. We had a prayer with the girls afterward. The thing that saved her is that she wasn't crazy but rather had an innate unassuming nature.

In time, though, I wondered what the deal was with dressing up for visiting teaching. As I understand it, visiting teaching is a program designed for the women of the ward to look after one another. We're to befriend (or try our damndest) and help each other out. That said and in my experience, these meetings often couldn't be awkward enough. You show up at 9 in the morning dressed up like it's Sunday and the girl you're visiting is still in her jammies or casually dressed. She doesn't know you, you don't know her. Dressing up consistently struck me as presumptuous, haughty even. I didn't like it. An Institute class I attended clarified that we should dress up whenever we're representing the Lord, and indeed we are while visiting teaching.

Ugh, right? Well, I kept going with Sister J. the way she always had. It seemed to work quite well for her, and I did bask in her glow. She was awesome.

Once I moved from the ward, though, I found myself with a new...less serious companion. I wasn't sure if I should dress up when we did our "rounds." To avoid any embarrassment, I threw on a skirt for our first meeting. She was in slacks and a nice shirt - looked like she'd just gotten off work and was visiting a friend. Oy.

It took me a little while to get off the whole Sunday best thing while visiting teaching - mostly because of the guilt - but after a while I'd just go as is. It felt much more equal that way. After all, do I seriously have any authority over these women? I would hate it if a friend came over all dressed up and preaching...er, giving a lesson about how wonderful it is to be a mom or a woman or something and end it with a generic and stoic "Is there anything we can do for you?"

Um...no I'm good thanks.

Friendships are built. I like the lesson as a "crap we've nothing to talk about" ice breaker, but even then it's scripted. "Boy I sure liked this part where Sister so-and-so said that we should follow the Prophet. It's so true, can't you feel the spirit?"

I had one woman, Sarah*, I visited who was my age and a hoot. As I didn't have a partner at this time, I felt more at ease. This girl lived in an apartment much like one I used to live in and she struck me as very approachable. I remember looking around the apartment for clues about what she liked because I HATED awkwardness. A fun discussion of Harry Potter came from that, and we became not strangers or ward members, but acquaintances.

Like I said, I'm not good at this stuff. She was social; I am not. Often I will want to be a person's friend, but I feel rushed by time and stumble with most things. I'm a social idiot. I also dealt with a lot back then and felt better at home alone. Now I think I might be better at socializing but it would still take some effort. The comfort level has to be relatively high, no weirdness on the phone. I don't want to feel as if I have to entertain anyone. Just come here and be.

I hate this stuff: "Hey...so...want to get together? Oh, you're busy. Okay. Um. Hm. Okay, sorry to bug you. Yeah maybe next week. I'll have to see, my schedule is always up in the air." Yeah, I'm a gem on the phone with a new person I want to get to know. There are exceptions, but aren't there always?

Back to Sarah and visiting teaching. I knew to not ask her if there was anything I could do for her. It's like asking "How're you?" Of course the answer is going to be "Fine" or "Good." Rarely is someone honest, and why should we be? I'm sure most who read this understand: If there's something we can do, we ought to know or at least suspect because we (a) listen to her and (b) remember things she's said, what's going on in her life.

We just do it or snoop around a bit for help by talking with her husband or other friends. We make sure she's having a baby shower. We keep in touch enough (preferably more than once a month and the passing "heys" in the chapel foyer) to know if she or her husband is sick or her baby is in the hospital. We just do it. And if we don't know what's going on, the greatest compliment comes when and if she asks us for help.

The standard "Can I do anything for you" is met with "No, I'm good" for a reason. Many girls don't get this.

When my youngest went into the hospital this past Christmas for pneumonia and RSV, my SIL freaked out. I love her more than she knows, but she wanted to help so bad she didn't want to see we were fine. She wanted to bring us dinner - but Eric was off on break. Granted, this was our first year where he had no school AND no work for three weeks straight, but still. I had Eric. She offered to call my RS President and alert my visiting teacher. I told her I didn't know who my VT was (which is fine) and there was no need to call the RS president. Joseph was home. It was an overnight stay. Getting the RS involved would've made my insides writhe. I hate being doted over for no good reason by people I don't know who only know because someone else told them. Dig?

Really, in times like that, offer to babysit. I'm sure she would have, too, but I don't like asking in times like that when I don't *really* need it. I know her intentions were golden and full of love and probably full of memories of times past when we were in the hospital with a very sick kid for a long time (and our VT/HT/RS didn't know. our fault). There are times when I really do need intervention during quiet times of desperation and a maddening week of active children when I may well explode without a couple hours to myself. Slight exaggeration.

The best service I ever received was from a girl who was not my visiting teacher in my last ward/stake. She had a daughter Abbie's age and a son just a month younger than Joseph. Poor Jason, always stuck in the middle with no guys his age - we need to fix that. Anyway. K offered one day to take the kids - all three of them - for me once a week for about three hours.

This, people, is service. As a person who couldn't bring herself to ask for help, she suspected the same of me and knew to just offer it. I needed this so badly and she taught me so much. Though we never really became friends, this was the most helpful act of service I've ever recieved.

Not from my visiting teacher. From a friendly, attentive person. If a person is new in the ward, be a friend don't "visit teach" them.

I know the home teaching program is slightly different, but the ideas are still the same. I am not going to confess any issues I might have in my personal or spiritual life to a person just because she is my visiting teacher or he is my home teacher. There's a fabulous chance I wouldn't even share these things with a friend. There are few people I entrust with my secrets, hopes, and fears. I won't share them to a couple girls or a couple guys from church because they've been assigned to me, I don't care how "inspired" it's claimed to be (if ever).

I think the idea of the VT/HT program is a good one and full of potential as many have experienced, but we need to focus less on numbers and more on the relationships - and really, it bugged the hell out of me that just as I'd be really getting to know a girl, I'd get reassigned. Frustrating. We can't establish a repetoire with people if we aren't with them consistently and for a long time. I really do think that's the key.

By the way, Bro. S was also my home teacher (and member of my ward). As a man who knew me well, he served as my home teacher better than anyone else ever could have...even if he did overstep his bounds sometimes. I'm grateful for him, too.





*Name changed. I tire of using only initials :)