ok. i really think i'm done now

i'm done. i haven't posted here in a long time, and it's felt good.

i've started another project over at livejournal. i know some of you aren't fans of livejournal, but for what i'm doing, it just felt like the right place. if you've a journal there, let me know. we can be friends.

[redacted]

some of the entries will be "friend only" but most should be open to people. Anyone can comment, though i don't know how easy it will be for me to know who you are, so let me know in the comment.

As most of you know, i've done this "last entry!" thing before. there's always a chance i'll come back here, but eh. i'm working on some projects for DemandStudios (freelancing) and school starts next month. Wednesday I'm headed to Texas to meet a longtime online friend of mine for the first time (!!!) and we're ripping up our house, getting new windows, slowly sucking the life out of our savings account.

I'm busy, and I don't want to be angry anymore. Too busy with my BIL coming home from his mission and telling people we're not quite into it anymore. Harder than it seems. But I'll talk about the church still. It's too much a part of me to not. Hell today's entry at livejournal is about Pioneer Month and how I've never been a fan (even in my TBM days), but i'll talk about other things.

Let me know. Shoot me an email. It's in my profile.

BTW, I'm not looking for debate at livejournal. None of this sort of thing where I bitch and you tell me I'm going to hell for blasting the prophet or the lord's apostles for saying something stupid. The livejournal is a totally different idea. Just a place to chat. So if I make you mad, I think it's time to say goodbye until or unless I come back here looking for blood.

Homeowners!

I don't remember how much--if anything--I've written here about my activities outside the blog, but my husband and I just bought and moved into our first house.

I have been without the internet for a week and I've much to catch up on, so this post is basically a plea for patience.

Go watch the video below if you haven't already :)

A little something I wrote

I haven't written a poem in months, perhaps a year, but this came last night to me after reading a poem by Gloria Anzaldúa entitled "El sonavabitche." Fantastic poem and intriguing poet, by the way. Google her.

Anyway, that said I'm laying this out for you guys. Please be respectful. None of this "Oh that doesn't really happen." I don't mind constructive criticism, just don't be an dismissive ass. That's all I really care about. Also know I remain faithful to no form of poetry, so comments regarding to meter or rhyme will be ignored. Rhythm, progression and structure (to a degree), however, are important to me. I also have issues with changing tenses. Blogger also won't allow me to create the layout of the poem I want with indentations and the like (help?)

Also know I'm one of those perpetual editors. I don't consider this done but I feel it's good enough to publish.

Hope you like it.

PS: I don't plan on writing too much more about the church (I have to give myself some leeway). It's been fantastic these last few weeks giving it so little thought. This is not to say I've been divinely censured or I'm suddenly a fawning fan. I'm just not interested in getting myself riled up these days. It's given me peace and I've waited a long time for even a taste of it. I'm also seriously considering starting up a writing blog. Now that the semester is almost done and we're moving into a new house (and won't be able to renovate for at least a year), I'll have time to truly focus on my writing.

Oh--That reminds me. I've been published in print. You don't have to buy the book (I get no royalties anyway), but if you're interested please check it out on Writer's Bump. It's entitled "Trapped" and it's for anyone who has ever felt the need to be someone they aren't. Writer's Bump found me on Writing.Com (one of the Writer's Digest Top 100 writing sites) where I'm a preferred author.

/plug

For those who have emailed me or otherwise commented that my words on this blog echo their thoughts, I invite them to New Order Mormon.

Then again there's always StayLDS. I know The Faithful Dissident enjoys it very much. That site is for those who struggle with some doubts and dissensions but who want to remain faithful. The previous site mentioned deals with people who don't want to StayLDS necessarily. Those have a beef or three with the Church, but they stay for whatever reason (family, friends, spouse, tradition, confused, etc)

So the content of this blog may change. May be random. The politics will stay (the GOP gives me far too much fodder) but I hope you'll stick around. I've really enjoyed your company.

* * *

The Golden Convert
[Edited 5/20/09]


I may as well have come from my mama,
They said,
In an ankle length skirt and modest top,
Scriptures tucked under arm,
Chin high to heaven
To be led in the direction the Lord wants me to be:

Here,
The One and Only True Church of God on Earth.

The confirmation had come:
“This is where you need to be.”
“You're ready,”
They said

And I was

Eighteen and
enamored with her;

Eighteen and
Foaming for Independence;

So I went along
Willingly;
New friends and pats on the back,
Encouraged me along the way.

They told me
I am Golden,
I am Choice,
I once lived among the Noble and the Great.
I am Sarah.
I am Rachel.

But my lips never fully formed around
I Know This Church is True.

Yet I sacrificed
To cut the cord.
Sacrificed,
Because it feels good
To belong,
To be Right;
Feels good
For God to be indebted
To my obedience.

And so my god-in-the-making and I
Gritted our teeth.
Wrapped ourselves with spiritual dynamite
Ready to blow if we blew it,
We waited for marriage,
Too afraid
To disappoint.

We tried, we tried, we tried,
Sacrificing ten percent
of Everything,
And then some:
Our Time, Talents, and Everything with which the Lord has blessed us
--or will bless us
Each other
Ourselves
Our kids
We tried.

With one piercing in each ear,
We hung the Temple on the Mantle,
Repented for keeping one too many pennies,
Donned knee length garments
To cover sex
An expression of
The sting of peculiarity
For a God with no respect
Of Persons.

But more Alice Kramden than Donna Reed,
My Mustard Seed Faith suffered
Beneath a black thumb.

Now the kind faces of family and friends I love
Are watchful.
They are careful to avoid
Every Appearance of Evil
(Just like Jesus did)
As they whisper and lament
Of a soul
They know not.

So I sit in the closet reading of the
unnatural,
unholy, and
impure practices of oral sex,
Of a man and his fourteen year old brides,
Of the calls for death on the spot for
The White Man
who thrusts himself into a willing Black Woman.
Of choosing death over fornication,
Of the fear of Africans and Women and Homosexuals
Plunging the world straight to hell.
(I’m still waiting)
I learn of the imploring against
“petting,” and men working the little factory
in its off hours
To keep the Vessel of God
Pure and clean.

But, President:
I don't have wet dreams
Like you do.

As two men, worthiness of me decide
Recommend me
To be Eve, who
Veils herself when asked,
Gives him her New Name,
Covers herself, ashamed--
And Promises
To keep these pearls before unworthy swine,
Because The Church Will Not Be Mocked;
Promises
To Hearken unto Adam
as He Hearkens unto God.

But President,
I am not Eve,
And I did not marry Adam.
Don't you remember?

Master, the Tempest is Raging,
And my prayers have lead me here.
Is it well,
Or does God ignore pleas
And toy with a shattered heart?

"Sister,”
The solemn reply campaigns,
“Question not. Follow the Prophet’s refrain
For he will never lead you astray,
Listen to his words and obey.
Hearken not to thine own understanding,
Listen to his words and obey.
Submit and forget thyself,
Do not delay.
Listen to his words and obey."

Of Updates and Plugs

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

* * *
HA!

I don't know who wanted to know (I'm merely volunteering information), but my husband and I just bought a house and should be closing in...geez, three or four weeks.

*enter shock here*

So we're in the midst of packing, finishing a school year/semester and all the other fun stuff. I won't be posting much, if at all, for a while. Especially if he gets a summer school position because we've a kitchen to remodel (and wallpaper to tear down and carpet to replace...oy vey. Great house, but it's like a step into the 60s. It's a trip)

I'll also be spending just under a week or so in Texas at the end of July to meet a longtime online friend of mine. Go see her blog. I've known her since I was 14 or 15. I think it's about time we met, no?

There's just a lot of crap--good crap, don't get me wrong--going on over the next little while.

In the meantime, I'm trying to cut down on my stress. It's been getting the better part of me lately. I'll post when I can, if something neat strikes me or I get feisty (I've a few posts in my queue and in my head, but I'm just not in the mood).

If you find yourself bored, any of the blogs on my sidebars are worth a look or twenty. There's also Going Dutch: How I learned to love the European Welfare State for some social democratic fun--

--Or go to town on some of my articles. Most are crap, but I've got a few good ones in there. It's an appropriate place for me to learn. Examples of the good:

The Other F Word
In Defense of Harry Potter
Thirteen Haunted Places to Stay in Northern California
*My second most popular article. I'll admit it's quite long. I was determined to stick with 13 for apparent reasons. This was my first article I interviewed others for. Quite frightening, to be honest. But it's a good one. I'm proud of it.

For those who are wondering, my most popular article is 10 Ways to Remove Stains From an Asphalt Driveway. Go look if you want. It's more practical than entertaining, obviously. I'm glad I took the assignment though. I had no idea there was such a demand.

And for the blog theme, I've California's Prop 8. It's still doing fairly well.

Then there's my first published short short story, Trapped. I hope you like.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. Thanks again for reading :D

Update/Quiz...Happy Easter!

I've been thinking a lot lately (I think a lot all the time, but especially so this week). My bishop called me in, tried to make it a last minute meeting but I postponed it a week (for a few reasons). I don't think it has anything to do with my blog but rather the reasons I asked to be released from my calling as a Relief Society teacher. For some reason I told him I was having a crisis of faith, which isn't really the case anymore. I think I was afraid of telling him the truth.

At the time I didn't know how to put it all into words and he said we could talk later. It's been weeks, so I thought perhaps he forgot, but since my serial absence at church and reiteration to the RS President that not only did I not want to teach, I wasn't about to agree to be part of the Enrichment Committee I think he's decided to give me a buzz.

So we'll see how that goes. I'm more ready for it now. I don't know what to expect exactly. I'm not always the most aggressive person in a face-to-face situation or even the most assertive. I've been working on changing this. Though I like my bishop as a man, I need to be honest with him and not spare his feelings because he's a big boy and I'm not attacking him personally. Just answering questions and talking about things.

The again I wonder how necessary this meeting really is. There's really nothing to say to me right now. While I'm not preaching on the rooftops my disappointment, disagreements and anger toward all or part of the Church, I still talk about it here at least. It's not that I hate everything; in fact lately I've thought much about the good the Church has brought me. But I'm still angry and disappointed and other things I've no words for yet. Though I've need to work through this, I'm okay except for our close friends and family still being in the dark. At least as far as I know. Perhaps some do read and remain quiet.

So it'll be...interesting.

Anyway, I found this quiz over at Mild-Mannered Musings and thought I'd waste a couple minutes. The results are hardly surprising, but it was fun enough:

Your result for The what kind of Mormon are you? Test...

Sunstone Mormon

-4 Orthodoxy, 4 LDS knowledge, -5 Cultural homogeneity

---

Orthodoxy ranges from (-) anti-, non- and liberal Mormon, to mainstream, conservative, and fundamentalist Mormon (+).

You're on the cutting edge of LDS progressivism. You believe scholarship and change would benefit the LDS Church, but you realize that your place in Mormonism is marginal.

Take The what kind of Mormon are you? Test at HelloQuizzy

Anyway, Happy Easter everyone! I hope you have a fabulous weekend. As for me and mine, we'll be at my grandma's house. With a ranch and all, it's good for the kids. They get lost, have fun, and leave me alone, haha.

I'm actually rather relieved it's almost over. Those Cadbury Creme Eggs will be the end of me /droooool.

Last Post

I've considered this for a while now, unsure if I can do it - if I want to, and tonight I've found the courage and determination. I have to retire this. This blog has granted me an outlet essential to my own mental salvation and has let me know I am hardly alone. The strength I've found here has amazed me.

Here's the problem: the Church and my disaffection with it has become too central to my life. It dominates conversation and has shoved every other interesting part about me out. Tonight during a conversation with a longtime friend, I found I had little else interesting to talk about and it's grown old. This is not who I am - friend or foe, the Church should not be this much a part of me. People can only handle so much of my bitching and complaining and honestly, I can't either. I need to figure this out and just decide. I won't as long as I blog about it.

Later I hope to start up a new blog, but I'm unsure when that will happen. Perhaps with time, self-reconciliation, and new found energy I'll renew my efforts there with a different focus. I've also other endeavors I want to explore. This blog and the thoughts therein crowd everything else. I can't do this anymore. I may want to, but as we know wants and needs are two different things. I shouldn't do this anymore. Not now.

I appreciate so much the support I've found here. I'm happy to say I can stop while I'm ahead. I know many who "follow" my blog do so because they've found a kinship or some worth in my words. Flattered doesn't begin to describe. I'm honored, really. It is my prayer that inasmuch as we allow others to worship how, where, or what they may, I wish that we can allow the same of ourselves. God knows our hearts. In that I can trust - or at least hope.

Thank you all so much. I wish everyone the best.
Lisa

Thank you

I wish I had more to say lately, but it's difficult keeping a blog and guest blogging on another.

Then my son became very, very sick. He had ran a fever from Christmas Eve until the day before yesterday. Five days of a fever. My boy who never shuts up, never sits still, always has a smile for everyone and a mouth open to any food that might come in disappeared. In his place sat a lethargic, beet red boy whose vocabulary decimated to "owie" and "mama, i wanna sit wit you."

:(

He spent the night in the hospital with RSV and (double) pneumonia, so I did too. He's better now, but I'm sick too. Thankfully God has spared the rest of my family with these two awful conditions, but my husband and I are fighting sinus infections. I'll take that any day - at least I can function and take care of my kid.

My point? I'm sick and tired and my youngest is recovering from something rather scary. School begins for me soon - my palms sweat at the thought. I still intend to post, but I don't know at what frequency. As a person whose more competitive than perhaps is wise, this is always a challenge. I've enjoyed getting to know everyone. I've enjoyed the challenge of posting something daily. I'm afraid meeting that challenge has gotten in the way of quality. I have to slow down.

I'm going through some big changes. I know this will turn some of you off should I decide to post anything. Consider this a warning - I don't mean to chase anyone away because I value all points of view, but just so we all know.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope we can remember with fondness the things that have gone well this past year, find perspectives that make us smile rather than frown. May the new year bring you all much happiness and growth, love and peace.

Thank you for being a part of my blog, for your time in commenting and support in reading. It means much to this girl. Thank you.

Merry Christmas

There's a hymn that I've come to love probably above all other songs. Though I struggle with my faith this year probably more than in years past, this hymn brings me goosebumps with its humble yet powerful image. The music and progression is unlike any other song I know. I love it when lyrics and music come together like this.

O Little Town of Bethlehem

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by

Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in Thee tonight.

For Christ is born of Mary
And gathered all above
While mortals sleep
The angels keep
Their watch of wondering love.

O morning stars together
Proclaim the holy birth
And praises sing to God the King
And peace to men on earth.

How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is giv'n
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of his heav'n

No ear my hear his coming;
But in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive him, still
The dear Christ enters in.

* * *

I wish I could find the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's version of this song - or at least, if they don't sing it already, the version found in our CD of church hymns. I'm trying to find a decent version on youtube for everyone, but nothing sounds as good. The Catholic organ dominates too much. I just found a musak version that's ok-ay, but not wonderful.


Just thought I'd share. Have a great Christmas Eve, no matter what you believe. Hug everyone a little tighter, be a little lighter. There are those this year without loved ones for the first time, those who've lost much. Think of them, give someone a call even if you're afraid or think you've nothing to say. Be good to one another. Feel free to share your favorite Christmas hymn here if you're so inclined.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Winter Solstice, End of the year, whatever.

Happy holidays.

FYI

A permablogger at Feminist Mormon Housewives asked me to guest blog at their site for a spell, so that is where I'm going to be.

Right now I'm taking some of my more recent blog entries here, cleaning them up (something I ought to do in the first place) and posting them over there. What can I say: it's the holidays; I'm rather busy. If I write anything new, I'm going to post it here and there.

You're more than invited to be part of the conversation, even in earlier entries. You don't have to be feminist, Mormon, or a housewife to do so. Just respectful.

First post: Unhappiness Never Was Wickedness...or something like that
(a cleaned up version of "Wickedness Never Was Happiness)

Second post: Introductions
(nothing terribly interesting - just an "about me" if you want to see)

Hope to see you there!

Break. Again.

I don't know if it matters or not that I post something to let y'all know what I'm thinking, but right now - and it might just be hormonal (ah those hormones) - but I'm feeling the need for a bit of a break. The last few days I've really had to reach, and I'm tiring of the same ol' same ol'. I'm finding that every now and again - frequently lately, it seems - I need a break. I know I just took one this weekend, but my head just hurts with all the crap going on in it. I don't feel as if I have a firm grasp on it all.

My recent rants are partly due to doubts and partly due to a freedom inside to say something that might offend (really, some of these things I had no idea would offend). I find courage and lose it almost as quickly, or fear I've overstepped my bounds. It's worn me down. I'm sure it's all worn you down as well.

So, unless something strikes me particularly, I think I'm going to be MIA for a bit. It's the last week before vacation, and I've just had it.

So much to do. So little incentive or motivation to do it. I'm tired.

On facebook?

If so, I'd appreciate you joining my blog network :)

I think blog networks on facebook is a new thing, so look into it for your own and invite me to be a reader of yours, too. I'd be glad to help.

(as for the layout, I'm going to stick with this one for a spell, feel it out. A few people told me the last color scheme was hard on their eyes - I hope this clears up that problem.)

A weird spot.

Sometimes I'm afraid I jump the gun too much. I saved my last post, it's on my computer, but I'm not comfortable with posting it. Not right now. I don't think I was able to say what I meant to - or that I truly knew what I was trying to say. It's funny because, in writing that post, I started out with writing "I don't know what to say, and I've learned to never force a post." By the time I'd finished, I had said something but I hadn't written it very well.

I hope everyone had a good Sunday. It was actually a nice one here. I wish school didn't start again tomorrow, but it has to if we want Christmas break to come :)

I'm a little lacking for topics the last few days, so I fear I might be running a dry well here. I have a lot on my mind concerning the Church and my involvement in it, what it all means, and I've other things to attend to this week. It's always a goal of mine to post once a day, but sometimes that isn't very realistic. Like I said, I don't want to force any entries and the last few days I've felt empty. I don't want to find a topic to get angry about or upset over if I'm not already there. I also don't want to not write about something just because it's happy or praises something.

This blog isn't intended to bash the Church. It's meant as a venue for me to ask questions and explore their answers and pull my hair out at stupid things like scrapbooking and other crap like that. It's a venting venue, too. Sometimes I worry I spend too much time worrying about such things. I do have a lot to say, but to find topics when they're not there doesn't do anyone any justice at all.

It's been balm to my soul to have other, like-minded people come here and talk with me. It's been amazing to have those who may disagree with me, but still find me interesting enough to stick around with. It's humbling and has helped me greatly. Thank you.

I'm afraid I can't be as honest with you all just yet as I'd like to be. I'm just not there. Sometimes I'm afraid to admit to myself what I think. I've some crazy ideas. I've expressed a few of the milder ones here and thankfully have found I'm not alone. Part of me wants to run with that, see how far I can go and still not be alone, but what if I find that line and cross it? I know I can always find like-minded company, but that doesn't mean it's good or right. I just know isolation sucks and it's good to know you're not alone. I can go to church and pretend, but it only goes so far. You can be surrounded and still alone.

It has surprised me how difficult it is to "be real." Much as I want to be and the little I have been, it's difficult to just let go. I guess I'm not ready for it yet. Maybe I'm just being lame and rebellious - let's face it, the most rebellious I've ever really been was when I joined the Church.

But to attribute my dissenting thoughts and opinions, both that I've already written about and those that are budding now to "rebellion" is dangerous. Perhaps my thoughts are valid and true. Perhaps they're not.

I won't lie and say I'm not a prideful being. I always have been. This blog doesn't help deflate that balloon much. I've been spoiled in more ways than one, and not necessarily in the traditional "have what you want" sense.

I'm not sure how to be wrong. That's not to say I haven't been wrong in the past - Lord knows I have been, but I don't like to write something unless I'm at least 75% confident in it. Sometimes I forget that. This blog has helped me develop a bit of a thicker skin, and for that I'm grateful.

I'm always open to being wrong. I guess I don't know how to explain this. I think it's more the chastisement I've never liked. I've received it, but I've always worked so hard to always be "good" that I'm not exactly used to it. I care entirely too much about what people think. I do like expressing dissenting opinions, I've always found it interesting to go against the norm and challenge traditional thought, but it's never bitten me back before. This could.

I don't know how to disappoint people and where I am right now I'm afraid I'm bound to disappoint someone. Probably a few someones. I've far too much respect for people on both sides to disappoint anyone. Right now I need to respect myself more. It's very scary, though.

To question the Church puts me in a very weird spot. I know the Church would chastise me for it in some ways (I know they would if I left). I know a lot of people I've spoken with online (both here and on other sites) might wag their finger at me for ignoring issues that perhaps shouldn't be ignored.

I'm in a very weird spot.

Black Friday

I don't know how many of you have heard this horrific story, but I'll keep it short. I'm sure this is everywhere.

A Walmart greeter was trampled to death yesterday morning as a literal stampede of people knocked him down in their fury to get the latest and greatest deal.

Ahhh, Capitalism.

But this entry isn't about that. I'm pretty sure we're all smart enough to get what this does speak to - materialism, Christmas over consumerism, etc. The fact that we're so intent on getting what we want that we don't even notice we're trampling a man to death. Literally.

I figured we'd all understand that, and then I read this article.

Here's an excerpt:

"This incident was avoidable," said Bruce Both, president of United Food and Commercial Workers Union Local 1500. "Where were the safety barriers? Where was security? ... This is not just tragic; it rises to a level of blatant irresponsibility by Wal-Mart."


Wal-Mart said it had added additional internal security, third party security, more store associates and had worked closely with local police. "We also erected barricades. Despite all of our precautions, this unfortunate event occurred," Hank Mullany, a Wal-Mart senior vice president, said in a statement.

So we're blaming Walmart for this? Not the mindset of the people? I don't know everything, but I'm just having a hard time wanting to blame the company. I know we all want Walmart and like companies to have a labor union (they don't as of right now right?) but this isn't where our focus should be. Let's not politicize this. A man died a brutal death at the onset of the Christmas season. Joy to the World, Peace and Goodwill to all Men.

Right?

We need to be screaming about the people who didn't give a shit enough. The mob mentality all for a good deal. Like others have said, there is nothing, absolutely nothing in that store that was worth a man's life.

Forget about Walmart. Let's stop blaming Walmart. I'm more concerned about the mentality of these people. Apparently some shoppers were pissed off when the store announced it would be closing because of the fresh tragedy. Others were trampled as some attempted to help the man.

Wow.

My heart and thoughts go out to this man's family. What a horrible, horrible way to begin the best season of the year

Quick Note: Weekend Sabbatical

Now, I'm notorious for not following through on myself, but right now I've every intention to take a break over the weekend. Last night I went for some VT action (visiting teaching) and realized:

Crap. I have to teach this Sunday.

That's right. I've been called to teach the fourth Sunday Relief Society lessons and I completely forgot. My brain is so full it's brimming and apparently not with all the stuff I need to remember.
So I need to get on that.

I'm also working on a story for a contest. As I haven't entered any writing contests yet, this is a big step for me. I need to start establishing some credentials. It's not due until December 1st, and as proud as I am of it, there seems to be some work needed to make it better. I'd love nothing more than to win - but I'll be just as thrilled if I can even place.

On top of that, today my husband has me juggling time with a few things, and then at 4:30 I'm seeing Twilight (woohoo!)

And, honestly, I'm tired. I appreciate all of the posts, but I'm tired and I'm sure most of you are as well.

I know better than to say I absolutely won't post again this weekend - there's every chance I'll post something tomorrow - but I wanted to say this just in case I don't.

So if I don't see you, have a great weekend everyone!

Quickie

Just in case anyone is interested in something different, sometimes lighter, I'd like to invite you to visit my other blog, Masochist of Three. I steer clear of politics and other crap like that there and discuss, instead, what it's like to be a young mom of three young ones. I've got some good stories that should make you at least giggle. There's at least one entry as of tonight where I discuss something of what it means to be a stay-at-home mom and not feel like much else while knowing, in the end, I wouldn't change a thing.

I hope to get back to this blog soon, but it's been a rather busy time - a sick time, as well. The debates are coming up, though, and there are some religious/cultural commentaries I'd like to make and other such things. I hope to get back to that tomorrow.

Thank you for coming by!